| is broken for so many reasons. its hard to believe i'm choosing to take on all of this just so i can gamble on a better future. i wish my father was still here. i wish my mother gave a crap about me and respected my feeling instead of mocking them. i wish i had all the tools to be independent so i wouldn't have to wake up everyday feeling like a burden. i wish important people stayed in my life. i wish people wouldn't take my kindness for weakness. i wish i was stronger. i wish i had a better rolemodel. i wish breaking up wasn't so painful.
i want to believe things happen for a reason and i really hope that the future holds a lot more in store for me than what i have going for me now. i want to believe that i am a good person and that there is a light at the end of this dark, forsaken tunnel. |
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| My feelings are hurt. Yesterday my mom told me that her friend was moving and was coming over to take my bed for his new place. This is the same bed that my mom had forced me to put in my room just a few years ago. Then she told me that I would have to clear everything out of my room so that they could have space to take away my bed.
I just don't understand why I have to do all this work to have my belongings taken away. It really makes me upset. She says that I have to keep my room clean because it is the guest bedroom. We've never had a guest bedroom before...all my life guests just slept on the couch and that was just fine. I guess now that I am over 18 I am no longer welcome. Guests are far more important than me.
Now my belongings are in random boxes and containers all over my house. I'll have to wait until my mother decides to get a bed and put it in "the guest bedroom" before I can have a place to sleep again. Until then I guess I'm just lucky that I'm house sitting. It is the closest thing I have to a home at this point. |
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| I don't think I'm being unreasonable when I say that it irks me when people don't return calls or texts. I've attempted to contact at least 5 people today and no one has returned the gesture. It doesn't bother me that people are busy. I understand that everyone has separate things going on. But it just makes me feel like crap when it happens multiple times. It makes me feel so alone and insecure in my friendships. |
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| Excessive boredness, reawakening trust issues, and further proof that I am in fact: not happy. |
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| I never want to go back to high school. But if I could feel the way I felt freshman year instead of what I feel now, I'd make that trade in a heartbeat. It's hard to accept that I cannot be the person I want to be. I don't know how to lower my standards.
~*Renee*~ |
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